


Mehoy minoy, bitch

by demondaze



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Hell Fic, M/M, Smut, i died a little writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:06:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondaze/pseuds/demondaze
Summary: There's a new bitch in town, and he's ready to mehoy your minoy.





	Mehoy minoy, bitch

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so this is a thing.  
> This started as a joke between me and my other friends from the Klance Reverse Bang admin team. We decided it would be hilarious if we actually wrote this for the bang so I took it upon myself.
> 
> This fic also has art by @sugarshoneys on twitter, you should check it out because it's hilarious and less traumatizing.
> 
> This probably wouldn't have been as weird if I wasn't tired as fuck while writing this but I guess that's actually good in this instance since it's a crack fic.
> 
> I have a real (not crack) fic coming in a few days for the KRB so look out for that because it won't be traumatizing and horrible like this is.
> 
> Anyway I definitely suggest not reading this because you may go blind.
> 
> (edit: I removed this from the spongebob fandom tag because I didn’t want it listed on my AO3 profile that I’ve written spongebob fan fiction lmao)

You're walking in the woods.

There's no one around and your phone is dead.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot him.

“Shia LaBeouf” he whispers. Apparently demons can’t tell when a meme is dead.

“Fuck this. I’ve seen that video, I know where this goes” you ramble, frantically shoving aside the branches. “Fuck!” you yell, kneeled over in pain due to the strategically placed branch that just stabbed you in the eye. You hear a laugh. It’s odd, yet eerily familiar. The scent, it’s… pineapple? Confused and scared, you begin to backup, tripping on dozens of branches in the process. You’re not very coordinated.

His form begins to appear in the distance. You squint your eyes, trying to make out who it is. Your jaw drops. “Keith!?”

“No, Lance! It’s Doodlebob, bitch! Ready to fucking die?” he screams.

You’re not amused. “I may be stupid but I’m not dumb. That’s clearly you wearing cardboard.”

“Hey! I spent hours on this! It’s not just cardboard, I have this too!” he says, pulling out a large pointy object

“Is that a giant pencil? Dude, that’s sharper than your entire knife collection. Be careful where you point that thing.”

“You mean like this?” Keith says, shoving the pencil towards your crotch.

“MOTHERFUCKING FUCK” you scream, causing every living thing in the forest to run away like something out of a movie. “My dick fell off!”

“No it didn’t. But I can make that happen” he says, raising the pencil once more.

“No, no, Jesus!” you exclaim.

“Thanks, but I prefer Keith.”

“Are you really making dad jokes right now?”

“Maybe.”

Keith points the pencil at your crotch again. This time, he softly pokes your schlong with the tip of the writing utensil. You can’t help but let out a small moan.

“Did you just… moan?” Keith questions.

“No, why would you think that!” you ramble.

“Because I literally just heard you moan, you idiot” he replies.

_ Fuck, how am I supposed to get out of this one?  _ You never had an interest in Keith before. But the cardboard just looks… so sexy on him. When you see the pencil all you can think of is it up your a-

_ Hey brain, maybe like shut up _ .

“No you didn’t. I didn’t say anything” you state.

“Are you sure about that?” Keith gives you a look of pure smolder. It’s so hot, you almost come in your pants. 

“Y-yeah” you stutter. You’re really fucked now.

You and Keith stare at each other, before Keith makes a move to press the eraser end of the pencil against your hard dick.

“UMFGGH” you moan loudly. You like where this is going.

He uses the pencil to push down your basketball shorts. They fall to the ground. There’s no turning back now. You look down at his crotch to see that he’s definitely hard as well. “We’re really gonna do this in the middle of the forest?” you can’t help but point out.

“Lance, you were turned on by my doodlebob costume. It doesn’t get worse than that.”

“Fair point.”

You pull of your shirt while Keith continues to massage your junk with the pencil. You don’t think you can ever take notes again after this. With the pencil in one hand, Keith follows you and pulls his shirt off with the other. Suddenly, he drops the pencil and pulls you in for a kiss. Keith tastes like graphite, and that turns you on even more. Your tongues battle for dominance because this is a fanfiction and that always happens. The temperature in the air feels a million degrees hotter, and you realize your face may melt off. Good. That makes vore easier.

“Lance” he moans. “Mehoy minoy this dick, baby”

“With pleasure” you reply.

Still making out, you both discard your underwear and begin to grind against each other. Keith pulls away for a second to grab something, and you moan with pleasure once you realize it’s the pencil.

“Open wide” Keith says, before pressing the pencil into your ass. It feels so good, you never want this to stop. He starts slow at first, gently pushing the pencil in and out. The feeling is incredible, but you need more.

“D-doodle daddy, I need more uwu” you moan.

“Daddy’s got you. I’m going to mehoy your minoy, don’t even worry” Keith soothes. He shifts to rapidly moving the pencil in and out, while you continue battling with his tongue and grinding your crotches together. This continues for a few more seconds before you feel your entire body convulsing like something straight out of the Exorcist.  _ Do I have a satan fetish too?  _

Your load explodes all over Keith, causing him to follow suit. The two of you are tired and just came, but this is a fanfiction written by a cisgender girl so for some reason they’re still hard and they can keep going. 

“Lets go again, baby” Keith groans.

“Of course doddle daddy”

Keith begins by pulling you in for another kiss, grabbing your hair roughly, pulling out some in the process. This makes your dick twitch.  _ Man I have a kink for everything _ , you think to yourself. After you make out for a few minutes, Keith kneels down. You know where this is going.

He stays down there for a few seconds and you don’t feel him at your dick, so you look down, confused. You’re startled to see he is give a blowjob, but it’s to the pencil. This turns you on even more than if be was sucking on your dick. You can feel the feels vicariously through the pencil, almost like you’re connected to it. Your soul has joined with the pencil’s. You have reached a greater state of being. You have reached Dickvana.

After a few minutes of the pencil blowjob, he stands up and begins kissing you again. You can taste the sweet taste of graphite and saliva. The best combination. Suddenly, he shoves you against a tree, your back getting stabbed by  ten different branches. Earlier this would have annoyed you, but now it just makes the whole situation even hotter. You feel the slivers from the tree penetrate your back, just like how Keith’s going to penetrate your ass.

Keith grabs your hair again and turns you around so your face is shoved against the tree. The taste of the bark enters your mouth and you love it. 

“You gonna fuck me against this tree, doodle daddy?” you ask.

“You know it!” Keith moans.

You feel his dick at your entrance, and he pushes in roughly. It’s different from the pencil in the best way possible.

“Uwu daddy fuck me harder” you yell.

He stabs in your ass repeatedly until you feel that familiar Exorcism feeling in your gut. There’s a new feeling too, and you can’t quite place it. That feeling grows stronger, and the astral plane you have descended onto is far better than any mushrooms trip you’ve ever had. The trees around you don’t even look like trees anymore, they appear to be giant penises. The branches that almost killed you earlier look like pencils. And the leaves on the ground look like condoms, which you also didn’t use because this is a fanfiction and the characters don’t realize STDs exist.

As Keith fucks you, you hear deep chanting coming from the distance. It’s too faint to make out, but the sound becomes louder by the minute. You pull Keith down to the ground to shift positions, and he’s now fucking you on the ground. As pleasure runs through your body the chanting grows even more in volume, and then you hear it. 

“ M e h o y  m i n o y. M e h o y  m i n o y. M e h o y m i n o y.”

Keith turns his head, and you know he hears it too. “It’s the chanting of the elders! That means the transformation is almost complete!” he exclaims. 

“What do you mean?” you moan.

“I’m turning. It’s beginning” Keith replies.

To you that sounds like some satan shit but that’s apparently your kink now so you’re okay with it. Keith picks up speed and intensity, and suddenly he’s thrusting into you harder than you thought possible. It’s all too much, and you just can’t hold on anymore. You come harder than you have in your life, and Keith continues thrusting. The thrusting continues for entire minutes after you’ve finished, and Keith shows no sign of losing stamina anytime soon. The overstimulation is so intense that you come again. And again. And again. You think to yourself that this isn’t possible but you’re distracted by the pleasure. If you had thought rationally, maybe you could’ve presented what happens next.

Keith comes, and it’s more intense than the last time. As he comes you feel heat swelling through your entire body. You can feel the entire forest rumbling, and you look up to see that there is a yellow glow all around you.

“The Ascension! It’s upon us!” Keith screeches into the night. 

The rumbling grows more intense, and soon you can’t hear anything else. Only the earth shifting. And all you see is light. 

Suddenly, it stops. The light is gone, and you now feel cold. With Keith’s dick still in your ass, you feel all the hairs on your body stand up. You feel a cold breath on the back of your neck. In this moment, you know that the thing behind you isn’t Keith anymore.

Terrified, you turn around to see that there is a square figure behind you. It’s too dark to really see it’s features. But you know its him. You thought you were turned on before, but now your dick is practically exploding.

Keith is gone. In his place stands Doodlebob, alive and in the flesh. His cartoonish figure looks out of place in the real world, and he even looks kind of fake. But he’s real. You know this because his dick is still in your ass, and you can feel that it’s something entirely different.

He pulls out, and you see that in place of a human penis, he has a literal pencil.

“Fuck me with that pencil, doodle daddy uwu” you moan. The only response he gives is “Mehoy minoy!” and you know that that translates to “Yes baby”. He sticks the pencil dick in your ass, and you’re suddenly hard again. His beautiful square figure pushes against your back, and you love the softness that it provides. As he thrusts, you push against him, meeting him in unison. You are where you want to be for the rest of your life.

You fuck Doodlebob for hours, or maybe it’s days. It could be years for all you know, because this moment transcends time. You now know that every single moment of your life has lead up to this. This moment. You were destined to be here, and now that you are, you never want to leave.

Just as you’re about to come for the hundredth time, everything stops. You feel an emptiness that you were in no way prepared to experience. It’s a feeling you barely recall from your time before your time with him. You gasp, and turn around to realize he has vanished. Doodle daddy is gone.

You lie there, tears dripping down your face. All around you, you hear birds chirping. The animals have returned. But doodle daddy is gone.

For hours you don’t know what to do. You decide to stand up and try to find him. You can’t lose him. Just as you move to get up, the world around you blurs and your head becomes fuzzy. You fall to the ground, and everything goes black.

* * *

 

You wake up in the dark. You hear creatures around you whispering, and you can hear them very clearly.

“Yeah man, I thought I was fucked up because I’m a demon but this guy takes the cake. We decided we couldn’t let him live anymore, that shit was hard to watch.”

“Oh come on man it was hilarious.”

“It was at first but like then it got weird. Kind of like this fanfiction. It was funny but then the author couldn’t think of anything else so she just started writing the first thing that popped into her head.”

“I feel you on that bro.”

You shift slightly, and realize you’re lying on hot rock.  _ Am I in hell? _

“Yeah you are, buddy. Jesus, I’ve never seen anyone who deserves this as much as you do.”

“Thanks, but I prefer Lance.”

”Oh wow you’re a fucking comedian! You won’t find this so funny when we p-”

The creature is interrupted by a familiar sound. A sound you’ve never been more glad to hear.

“Mehoy minoy!” Doodle daddy swoops in, and grabs you in his arms. He’s on a vine somehow so I guess there are vines in hell now idk.

“Daddy! Uwu you came!” you yell in joy.

“Mehoy minoy!” he responds. You know this translates to “hell yeah I came ;)”

He drops down from the vine, and the two of you land on some more hot rock.

“Mehoy minoy.” he says, which you know translates to “Yeah so we’re stuck in hell permanently but at least we’re away from those demons.”

“That’s okay doodle daddy. I’m fine as long as I’m with you.” 

Doodlebob grabs you by the ass and begins to commence the sex. You screams a lot of stuff just like all those other times and its great and shit. You probably have about 5 minutes before you guys burn to death because yall still in fucking hell but you know how it be. You feel the heat from your surroundings literally tearing you apart, just like something else haha ;). Suddenly, you hear a voice.

“Lance!”

_ Keith? _

“The ritual wasn’t what I thought! It didn’t just turn me into Doodlebob, it replaced me with him!” Keith yells.

“Where are you?” you ask.

“I’m stuck on the cliff behind you!” You turn to see Keith hanging on a ledge for dear life, a large molten lake below him.

“Don’t let go!” you yell.

“No, I want to fall in this lake of fucking lava. Obviously I’m not going to on purpose, you dipshit.”

You think for a moment. “Wait so if you’re there, and I’m here, then who is this?” you gesture to Doodlebob, who is currently doing the sex with you.

“I just told you, it’s the real doodlebob!” Keith yells.

dun Dun DUN!

“I have an idea. Why don’t you come over here and join us ;)” you suggest.

“I’m literally seconds away from falling off a cliff, I would if I physically could.”

“Oh yeah.” you walk over and help him up.

“Thanks. Now, where were we?” Keith smirks. He grabs your head and brings his mouth to yours, all while Doodlebob is still fucking you.

“This is the hottest moment of my life” you moan.

“I can make it even better” Keith says, moving down to suck your schlong.

“Yes daddy! Daddies? Yeah, daddies!” you yell. The experience is so intense, and combined with the literal scorching heat you feel like you’re about to explode. You might literally explode, because this is hell and shit like that happens.

Doodle daddy is fucking you really hard and Keith is giving you the succ. You’re truly on the best timeline of events. You can hear the demons laughing, but you don’t care. All you care about is what’s happening to you right now, because it’s the best experience ever.

Then suddenly, its over. Because the author shot you all in the head because she can’t stand her own creation. You’re all fucking dead.

Except Doodlebob. He lives. Because Doodle daddy never dies.

uwu.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I regret everything.


End file.
